Last Seminar: End of TBT

“Every dreamer knows that it is entirely possible to be homesick for a place you’ve never been to, perhaps more homesick than familiar ground.” (Judith Thurman)

On Wednesday finished packing up and said goodbye to Kalimati. It was really strange after saying so many goodbyes and having the anticipation build up for a week or two to really and truly be leaving. It was grey and rainy outside. The Nepalis told us it’s a sign that winter is ending and the summer season is on its way. I think it was because Kalimati had gotten used to us and our strange Western ways and was sad to see us go. We arrived at the Big House and had an afternoon of greetings and catching up with everyone and of course, dinner of overcooked pasta! After dinner we had our first activity. I didn’t think an activity could go badly two nights in a row. I was wrong. There was a big bag of journals (one for each of us), and N started. She gave one to L and said something nice about him. Then L had to give to someone and say something nice about them, and so on. Guess who got picked last? I was always first to get picked for teams as a child but right then and there I understood how all those other kids felt when they were left standing. Wondering if they would be next, if someone would pick them or would they feel like the loser and be left standing there alone. That was me. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt as bad if the episode from the night before hadn’t of happened. But it did and I was left feeling bitterly amused and pissed off. Not a good start to the closing seminar.

Fortunately on Thursday we spent the whole morning working so I didn’t have to think about last night. We had to get into groups by area and then work on finishing all of our documentation and evaluation forms. Then we had to put together a power point to present to the staff and each other everything we had done in our area (this was mainly for the staff in Israel and to help plan for the next machzor). We worked all morning and then after lunch had thematic meetings with the staff by area (which meant me, S, and C) and then we had an activity. There was a picture of a big tree and all sorts of characters around, next to, climbing, and sitting. We had to pick two and say which one we were before the program and which one we are now. I thought it was a bit lame but it wasn’t too bad. Then most of us went to OR2K for dinner and to see the photo exhibit. After a few of us went to Lhasa Bar and had a drink, which was fun but I was tired and soon went back home.

Friday was really busy. We spent another morning working on our presentation and since I am the only American I had a lot of spell checking to do. Then I worked in the kitchen for the early part of the afternoon helping to prepare for Shabbat. Then Sh and I took a walk and picked up my dresses from the tailor and then had tea in Thamel. We came back and took showers and then it was time for dinner. Our last Shabbat all together. The food was really good but at the end of the meal we had another activity…what are you thankful for? Are you kidding?! Thankfully only about half of the room wanted to share so it was totally fine that I didn’t. Plus not everyone got thanked. Why do these kind of activities follow me? I don’t like them! After dinner ended I left and went out with the Aussies in Thamel for a bit. It was nice to be away from everyone for a few hours with English speakers and to chill. I was grateful for the little break and had a very good night with them!

I got to sleep in Saturday and then had brunch at the bakery, which was good as always and then, went back for lunch! Then in true Shabbat spirit I took a very nice nap. I woke up in time for our last area meeting with M. We played a board game she made, if you landed on the exclamation point there was a funny story about a group member and if you landed on the star then you had to read and answer a question and then everyone else had to answer as well. It was ok but at that point I really wanted to be done with being part of the Kalimati group. I think when I look back on the experience as a whole I will remember the good times for the most part but for this moment I want to be done. After the game I had my last one-on-one talk with M. I think she was convinced that I would only see the negative things that happened with my group. But she is wrong. It’s like Italy or my freshman year of college, a ton of really bad things happened but surprisingly I hardly even think about those times. Instead I always remember the crazy awesome parties and the amazing friends I made. That will be the same here, I will remember all the great times and let the bad times get very faint in my memory. But I really like M and was glad we talked even if I don’t think she believes me about seeing the good. By the time we finished everyone was gone (most people from Mahadev-Beshi were having dinner at O and N’s and Sundrawatti was having dinner our together) and Kalimati wasn’t doing anything. I went out alone feeling sorry for myself and went to OR2K where I found Sundrawatti. They insisted I sit with them but it took a while. I felt like a loser and that I was intruding. I know I want the group thing to be over but it just felt sad I didn’t have a group of my own. Then GB showed up and him and Sm sat with me while I ate and they made me feel better like always. I had a good dinner and felt right as rain after. Then we went back to bed because we knew we had a long day coming up.

           

Sunday started off with the presentation from Mahadev-Beshi, which was very long. Then we (Kalimati) started but our education section took a really long time so we stopped for lunch. Then we finished and after had a very strange guest lecture. Everyone was really worn out after and was not happy when we found out we had another activity. However, it wasn’t too bad. We all went to the bakery and were split into 4 groups: English speakers, people who had their degree, people traveling after the program, and next machzor’s guides. I was in the English group with S, GG, and Z (Ab was home sick). We got tea and food and then had questions that all dealt in some way with social activism that wer discussed. That part was interesting. But at the end we all came back together to discuss…what we had just talked about. Seriously? It ended up being mostly in Hebrew and I was tuned out in a minute. I’m sorry but we just had discussions and I feel no need to repeat everything right after it happened. It went on forever and it was dark by the time we left. We had dinner in and then I helped N a little with a picture project for the party at the Ambassador’s house on Tuesday night and then spent the rest of the night watching Glee with O and Sh!

The beginning of Monday started out with another discussion about social activism…a continuation of the torture from yesterday. Then Sundrawatti gave their presentation and I will admit that I totally nodded off for a bit. To make us sit through all of that is asking a lot (and I knew they didn’t care). Then we had lunch and after went on a hike. We climbed to what felt like the top of Kathmandu to a beautiful Monastery. It was our last activity with just the Israeli staff and the volunteers. We lay in the grass and let the sun warm us and then made a circle. I can honestly say I really enjoyed what we did: all the volunteers were asked to write a letter to ourselves, and then address envelops which would be mailed in 6 months. I can’t recall exactly what I wrote but I had pretty view, the sun on my face, friends around me, and a good feeling in my heart. When everyone was done O, M, and N said things and that was is. Short, simple, and not sappy (I was a big fan). We headed back and took showers and then I went out to dinner with O, Sh, and El, which was nice and then headed back to the big house for more Glee and bed.

Tuesday was our last day. Each area had breakfast with the staff (so we ate with Sun and Sul) and it was really fun to sit and relax with them and not have to talk about any work. Then we had a really awesome closing activity with everyone. The library was turned into a virtual Facebook! Everyone had a page with their picture and a status and message box! We all got an envelops with “likes” and pieces of paper to write messages as well as markers to write on someone’s wall. Then there was a table with quotes and pictures that we could put on someone’s page. It was really cute and so much fun! At the end everyone got to keep their page and the afternoon ended with lots of good feeling. We had the rest of the afternoon free to hang out and get ready for the party at the Ambassador’s house. All the girls got dressed up and M and GG even had saris! The party wasn’t really my thing; a lot of older rich men/diplomats that we were supposed to casually mingle with (and promote TBT) but I was glad to be with everyone. Sh made a speech for the volunteers (she was great!) and then we all got called up to receive a certificate of appreciation, which was embarrassing. After that we ate a lot, hung out, and took lots of pictures. We left around 7:30ish and headed back to the Big House for the after party.  I don’t know why but I wasn’t that into it like I was for the party we had for the end of orientation. Everything felt weird. We are done the program. After months of anticipation of waiting to see if I would get in and then getting here and working and the struggles I had, it’s over. Just like that. This is the last time that all of us will be together in Nepal as a machzor and I just felt…not empty, but less full.

I am so proud of myself that I followed my dreams to Nepal and so excited about the traveling that is coming up, but it’s also sad that this chapter has ended. I am thankful for the amazing people I met here (a few of whom I consider to be really good friends). I am thankful for my family and few friends who have been here for me whether I had good news or just wanted to vent or cry. Finally I am thankful to myself, for being strong, for being a hard worker, and most of all, for being me. I am not perfect and have many things that are annoying and that I need to work on. But on the whole I am in a place in my life where I like myself. I am no longer looking to find myself or change in a drastic way. Instead I can look forward to finding my next dream and continuing to learn more and open my mind to new ideas. I am ready for the next chapter of my adventure to begin! Just like that.

Signed,

Next Chapter 

The Last of Kalimati

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

My last two and half weeks have felt busier than the whole machzor! My second to last week started with a fail. I went to teach English class on Sunday morning and had the idea of writing two very short stories and then having the kids answer questions. This turned out to be a lot more complicated than I thought. Most of them did not understand the questions because they have no concept of reading comprehension. They are so used to just memorizing and repeating that when I asked them to think for themselves in even the smallest way, they did not understand. It just made me sad that I can’t do more. I have really fallen in love with these kids. They are so smart and so amazing and I want to be able to teach them more. But I can’t. I don’t have the time and it’s not my place. I was disappointed and sad.

Monday and Tuesday consisted of buying gifts for people back home and a panic attack over a bag I thought had gone missing (it was eventually found). On Wednesday I had Happy Child Club and it was really good! A lot of kids came (some for the first time) and the play looks really good! We are finally starting to make real progress with this group and it feels amazing! Then that night S and I led a group activity and it was really fun. We thought of a lot of questions and then put them in a bottle that we labeled “dare to share.” We played spin the bottle and whoever the bottom of the bottle landed on had to ask truth or dare to the person the mouth of the bottle landed on. If the person chose dare then the person asking had to make something up. But if they chose truth then they had to pick a question out of the bottle. It was really funny! There was a prank call involved and many very interesting questions! S and I also made everyone paper crowns with their names on them and got lots of good cookies. It was a very good night.

Thursday was a very big day. We were starting the community project/doing the majority of the work. Our assignment was to do a community project that would be somewhere in our community of Kalimati and would be built by us with the help of the people who live in the area. Our project also had to be sustainable (that it will not get destroyed) and that future machzorim can continue to add to it. We decided to start to build a playground in Koleshwore School. Before Thursday we had the area cleared and the back wall painted white and then had N draw the outlines of pictures so the kids could paint them. Our plan was to start the playground with structures made out of recycled tires and garbage. First we had to connect the tires together (side by side and then one on top of the other) while that was going on we also started painting the wall. But it wasn’t just us. The kids from the school, and from SAY, Indreni, and the Nature club came and helped. After the tires were connected we filled them with rocks and garbage to make them as heavy as possible and then we poured water on top to make it wet. The next step was to staple metal sheeting around each tire to prepare for the cement. It turns out making cement is easy just add water! We then put the cement all over the tires (on top, the sides, in the spaces in between) and that was it. Everyone really came together to make this happen and it was truly amazing to see! Somehow we found the strength to shower and get dressed afterwards and go to OR2K’s new restaurant opening for their new place called Friends. The food was amazing (and free) and we had a good time relaxing after a very long day.

However, he week wasn’t over yet! On Friday we had a Women’s Campaign (against violence). I went to school in the morning to help decorate (we hung posters and banners) and then went back to the house to wait for the women. Because I am not in the women’s groups I really did not know much about this event or what was going to happen. Therefore, I was extremely surprised and happy when tons and tons of women starting coming! We all hung signs on our shirts that said things like “no tolerance” and “stop women’s violence” and then began the walk to school. We walked all through Kalimati. There were so many of us and M and S started a chant in Nepali and everyone stared. It was one of the best moments I have ever had in my life. When we finally got to school we had speeches. One from Sul, the principal of Koleshwore, a woman from one of the groups, B, and then…me! We were told that one of the volunteers needed to say something and since I don’t mind public speaking I volunteered.  I didn’t say anything great or profound but I am happy I was comfortable enough to do it and honored to have the opportunity. It ended around 5 and then we all went back home. Then I packed a bag and went to Bhaktapur with GB (I am not sure how I found the energy because I was so tired)! We got there after it was dark and quickly found a guesthouse and some dinner. After that I was out! 

Saturday I spent a lovely day in Bhaktapur with GB! We slept as late as we could because there was a ton of noise going on in the Durbar Square outside. There was some sort of political campaign or rally or something. We had breakfast and spent the day exploring the city. Bhaktapur is extremely beautiful and calm. We went to Potter’s Square where there is pottery everywhere and you can see men making it on a big wheel and the finished products drying in the sun. I found a paper shop I had read about in lonely planet and bough a beautiful journal and a picture for Dad. We drank tea and wandered and had a snack and sat outside a temple. After all the crazy of the past couple of days and the coming stress of next week it was good to have a day to chill out.

Last week was crazy busy as well! On Sunday I had N follow me all day filming! He is doing a short film called “A Day in the Life of TBT” where he follows one person from each village and shows what we do. I taught English class, had a Kalimati meeting about community day, planned the health campaign for the next day, and shopping for dinner at the market. Even though it was corny sometimes it was really fun and it’s pretty awesome that I was picked to do it from Kalimati (it’s mostly because I am the only American but whatever)!

On Monday we had a Health Campaign for the kids in the homework club at Koleshwore and Mahendra Saraswati. I was really tired that day and didn’t want to go. But when I got there a ton of kids showed up and were really excited which obviously made me really happy. We played a game, drew pictures, and did a play, which were all about winter health care and general hygiene. It was pretty successful which was great because it’s the first time this has been done (usually there is an environmental campaign instead). Then on Tuesday we had the guide seminar, which was all afternoon but was amazing! We all met at the bamboo bridge and blind folded all of the guides. Then the GOGs and us (me and S) had to lead them back to the house. This was a trust exercise but it was so funny and so many people on the street stopped to watch. They had a really good time! We walked about the importance of connecting and working with your fellow guide and how to continue to guide each group well. It was very long, but very good.

On Thursday we had Community Day! Around 2:30 parents from the day care came and we had activities. They did a song from circle time and then two art projects with their kids. Then most of them stayed because more and more people started coming! We had our activity room all set up with the projects we had been working on (pictures from the community project, women’s knitting, pictures from the photo club) and then everyone came downstairs for the performances. Happy Child Club finally got to do a public performance! They performed the play they had wrote and had been working on in front of everyone and were fantastic! I was so proud of them and so happy that they finally go to do this. After they finished they showed the masks they had made in the workshop,which they were really excited about! When they finished Indreni did a dance they had been working on which was really good. Then we had food and a lot of hanging around and that was it. It was crazy having so many people in our house and so wonderful. Kalimati is not like being in a village. It is a lot harder to have a gathering of people because everyone is scattered and has a job and is working. This was really special that we merged so many of our groups together. After everyone finally left we got showered and went to OR2K to have dinner (no one wanted to cook). We ate well and relaxed and I made friends with some very nice Aussies! It was a great day and we all slept very well that night!

On Friday morning I woke up early and went to OR2K with El, S, and C to set up the photo exhibition for the photo club. I have to say; it looked really good when we finished, very professional. When we were finally satisfied with it, we had breakfast. After, we hung out for a bit and then S and I went back to Kalimati to finish preparing for our last HCC meeting. We made a poster with pictures of them we had taken through the machzor. Then we had a bowl of candy and each kid had to take one and say their sweetest memory from the machzor and want they wanted to learn/do next time. Although I was least close with this group, it was hard to say goodbye. I am so proud of this group for how far they have come and I feel like I am leaving them at a time when they will be ok. They are good kids and have the power to make change.

Saturday was the last SAY meeting. We did a poster for them as well and had them say their sweetest memory. Then we all walked to Thamel because we were taking them to OR2K to see their pictures! It was absolutely amazing to see how happy they were. I was so proud of all of them and the work they had accomplished. They are my favorite group I have worked with because a) I see them the most so I know them the best and b) they are serious and hard workers. They are smart and want to be educated and make a good life for themselves. They have inspired me to not dismiss all youth as being sarcastic and apathetic. I will miss all of them a great deal. After they left OR2K we stayed and had dinner and hung out and used the internet before heading home.

At last I come to the past few days. Sunday we made lunch for the Nepali staff. It was really nice because we sat outside and had a good meal. We gave gifts to At because it was the last time we were going to see him (he leaves for Israel on Wednesday), as well as Sul and the day care. After when we had a closing youth meeting with At, it was really weird because it doesn’t feel like the end. When it was over that was it. A chapter of TBT had ended without any notice. After the meeting I got on a bus and went to Mahadev-Beshi for a last visit. I got there a little before 5 and got tea with D and Es at the bazar while waiting for Al and O to finish up a youth meeting. When we got back to the house we hung out and got dinner ready. I love having dinner there! It’s fun and silly and everyone always remembers to speak English! It was weird that there were only 5 of them (Ei and Am left) but I still had fun. We stayed up talking for a while and were joined by BJT and HG for a bit, which was great because they are so funny. Eventually we all got too tired to stay up and passed out.

On Monday they had their women’s campaign. I slept in and then GB and I had breakfast and headed over to the demo farm where the campaign was being held. It was a lot different than ours but it was cool to see what they had planned. I watched for a while and then helped O decorate a notebook for Pr so I could take it back to Kathmandu. After that I had to go because I got a ride back with BJ on his bike (which was free, faster, more fun, and less scary than a bus)! I got back and took a shower and then went out to dinner in Thamel with the Aussies I had met at OR2K. It was fun and it was just nice to have a change in company and I came home in a very good mood.

Finally today (Tuesday), we had lunch with the day care staff (they cooked). It was great to sit and talk with them for a while. They gave us beautiful notebooks with such sweet things written inside. It still hasn’t hit me that we are leaving so I am left with this very strange feeling as if something is leaving me without my permission. It was gray outside today and even rained a bit. The staff says it because the raining season is starting and summer is coming, but I think it’s because Kalimati is sad to see our time coming to a close. The rest of the day was spent doing documentation and packing. I went to an internet place for a bit for the group activity S and I were planning and then made dinner with N. After dinner we did the group activity. The first part was good, we had 7 words on the table (challenged, proud, excited, brave, enthusiastic, surprised, and optimistic) and we all had to write and then share experiences on this program when we felt each of these emotions. The second activity is where things didn’t go so well for me. We had a piece of paper on the table that said “Thanks to…” and then had listed underneath: someone in the group, someone from the staff, TBT, something about Kalimati, the whole group, a member of a group you worked with, myself, support system, and something else. So each of us had to thank something or something. I was the only one who didn’t get a thank you. C thanked S, E thanked C, L thanked Ne, etc. All except me. I had written something for each person but as I waited no one said anything for me. I debated if I should say what I had written or not, but I did. But still, I was the only one.  I guess the only word I can say to describe the way I feel is hurt. I know it wasn’t on purpose, but the fact that no one even noticed made it worse. I couldn’t help but think that if it had been someone else I would have noticed. I got really quiet and kind of shut down. I didn’t know what else to do. They all wanted to play a card game after but I didn’t. I love Kalimati and I love the work I have done and the people I have met. I was even feeling better with the group in the past two weeks. This just wasn’t a great way to end the night. I am going to try to forget about it and be really busy until we get to the Big House tomorrow. This ends my life in Kalimati. It hasn’t been great everyday, but overall I am very happy and proud to have been a member of this community.  We start the closing seminar tomorrow and after that my journey on TBT comes to a close and my travels begin. I have a whole barrel of emotions that I haven’t yet sorted through that I will write about more after seminar is officially over. For now I am just going to try to look back and be proud of what I have accomplished, be in the present moment, and be excited for what is to come in the future.

Signed,

Timeless