Last Seminar: End of TBT

“Every dreamer knows that it is entirely possible to be homesick for a place you’ve never been to, perhaps more homesick than familiar ground.” (Judith Thurman)

On Wednesday finished packing up and said goodbye to Kalimati. It was really strange after saying so many goodbyes and having the anticipation build up for a week or two to really and truly be leaving. It was grey and rainy outside. The Nepalis told us it’s a sign that winter is ending and the summer season is on its way. I think it was because Kalimati had gotten used to us and our strange Western ways and was sad to see us go. We arrived at the Big House and had an afternoon of greetings and catching up with everyone and of course, dinner of overcooked pasta! After dinner we had our first activity. I didn’t think an activity could go badly two nights in a row. I was wrong. There was a big bag of journals (one for each of us), and N started. She gave one to L and said something nice about him. Then L had to give to someone and say something nice about them, and so on. Guess who got picked last? I was always first to get picked for teams as a child but right then and there I understood how all those other kids felt when they were left standing. Wondering if they would be next, if someone would pick them or would they feel like the loser and be left standing there alone. That was me. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt as bad if the episode from the night before hadn’t of happened. But it did and I was left feeling bitterly amused and pissed off. Not a good start to the closing seminar.

Fortunately on Thursday we spent the whole morning working so I didn’t have to think about last night. We had to get into groups by area and then work on finishing all of our documentation and evaluation forms. Then we had to put together a power point to present to the staff and each other everything we had done in our area (this was mainly for the staff in Israel and to help plan for the next machzor). We worked all morning and then after lunch had thematic meetings with the staff by area (which meant me, S, and C) and then we had an activity. There was a picture of a big tree and all sorts of characters around, next to, climbing, and sitting. We had to pick two and say which one we were before the program and which one we are now. I thought it was a bit lame but it wasn’t too bad. Then most of us went to OR2K for dinner and to see the photo exhibit. After a few of us went to Lhasa Bar and had a drink, which was fun but I was tired and soon went back home.

Friday was really busy. We spent another morning working on our presentation and since I am the only American I had a lot of spell checking to do. Then I worked in the kitchen for the early part of the afternoon helping to prepare for Shabbat. Then Sh and I took a walk and picked up my dresses from the tailor and then had tea in Thamel. We came back and took showers and then it was time for dinner. Our last Shabbat all together. The food was really good but at the end of the meal we had another activity…what are you thankful for? Are you kidding?! Thankfully only about half of the room wanted to share so it was totally fine that I didn’t. Plus not everyone got thanked. Why do these kind of activities follow me? I don’t like them! After dinner ended I left and went out with the Aussies in Thamel for a bit. It was nice to be away from everyone for a few hours with English speakers and to chill. I was grateful for the little break and had a very good night with them!

I got to sleep in Saturday and then had brunch at the bakery, which was good as always and then, went back for lunch! Then in true Shabbat spirit I took a very nice nap. I woke up in time for our last area meeting with M. We played a board game she made, if you landed on the exclamation point there was a funny story about a group member and if you landed on the star then you had to read and answer a question and then everyone else had to answer as well. It was ok but at that point I really wanted to be done with being part of the Kalimati group. I think when I look back on the experience as a whole I will remember the good times for the most part but for this moment I want to be done. After the game I had my last one-on-one talk with M. I think she was convinced that I would only see the negative things that happened with my group. But she is wrong. It’s like Italy or my freshman year of college, a ton of really bad things happened but surprisingly I hardly even think about those times. Instead I always remember the crazy awesome parties and the amazing friends I made. That will be the same here, I will remember all the great times and let the bad times get very faint in my memory. But I really like M and was glad we talked even if I don’t think she believes me about seeing the good. By the time we finished everyone was gone (most people from Mahadev-Beshi were having dinner at O and N’s and Sundrawatti was having dinner our together) and Kalimati wasn’t doing anything. I went out alone feeling sorry for myself and went to OR2K where I found Sundrawatti. They insisted I sit with them but it took a while. I felt like a loser and that I was intruding. I know I want the group thing to be over but it just felt sad I didn’t have a group of my own. Then GB showed up and him and Sm sat with me while I ate and they made me feel better like always. I had a good dinner and felt right as rain after. Then we went back to bed because we knew we had a long day coming up.

           

Sunday started off with the presentation from Mahadev-Beshi, which was very long. Then we (Kalimati) started but our education section took a really long time so we stopped for lunch. Then we finished and after had a very strange guest lecture. Everyone was really worn out after and was not happy when we found out we had another activity. However, it wasn’t too bad. We all went to the bakery and were split into 4 groups: English speakers, people who had their degree, people traveling after the program, and next machzor’s guides. I was in the English group with S, GG, and Z (Ab was home sick). We got tea and food and then had questions that all dealt in some way with social activism that wer discussed. That part was interesting. But at the end we all came back together to discuss…what we had just talked about. Seriously? It ended up being mostly in Hebrew and I was tuned out in a minute. I’m sorry but we just had discussions and I feel no need to repeat everything right after it happened. It went on forever and it was dark by the time we left. We had dinner in and then I helped N a little with a picture project for the party at the Ambassador’s house on Tuesday night and then spent the rest of the night watching Glee with O and Sh!

The beginning of Monday started out with another discussion about social activism…a continuation of the torture from yesterday. Then Sundrawatti gave their presentation and I will admit that I totally nodded off for a bit. To make us sit through all of that is asking a lot (and I knew they didn’t care). Then we had lunch and after went on a hike. We climbed to what felt like the top of Kathmandu to a beautiful Monastery. It was our last activity with just the Israeli staff and the volunteers. We lay in the grass and let the sun warm us and then made a circle. I can honestly say I really enjoyed what we did: all the volunteers were asked to write a letter to ourselves, and then address envelops which would be mailed in 6 months. I can’t recall exactly what I wrote but I had pretty view, the sun on my face, friends around me, and a good feeling in my heart. When everyone was done O, M, and N said things and that was is. Short, simple, and not sappy (I was a big fan). We headed back and took showers and then I went out to dinner with O, Sh, and El, which was nice and then headed back to the big house for more Glee and bed.

Tuesday was our last day. Each area had breakfast with the staff (so we ate with Sun and Sul) and it was really fun to sit and relax with them and not have to talk about any work. Then we had a really awesome closing activity with everyone. The library was turned into a virtual Facebook! Everyone had a page with their picture and a status and message box! We all got an envelops with “likes” and pieces of paper to write messages as well as markers to write on someone’s wall. Then there was a table with quotes and pictures that we could put on someone’s page. It was really cute and so much fun! At the end everyone got to keep their page and the afternoon ended with lots of good feeling. We had the rest of the afternoon free to hang out and get ready for the party at the Ambassador’s house. All the girls got dressed up and M and GG even had saris! The party wasn’t really my thing; a lot of older rich men/diplomats that we were supposed to casually mingle with (and promote TBT) but I was glad to be with everyone. Sh made a speech for the volunteers (she was great!) and then we all got called up to receive a certificate of appreciation, which was embarrassing. After that we ate a lot, hung out, and took lots of pictures. We left around 7:30ish and headed back to the Big House for the after party.  I don’t know why but I wasn’t that into it like I was for the party we had for the end of orientation. Everything felt weird. We are done the program. After months of anticipation of waiting to see if I would get in and then getting here and working and the struggles I had, it’s over. Just like that. This is the last time that all of us will be together in Nepal as a machzor and I just felt…not empty, but less full.

I am so proud of myself that I followed my dreams to Nepal and so excited about the traveling that is coming up, but it’s also sad that this chapter has ended. I am thankful for the amazing people I met here (a few of whom I consider to be really good friends). I am thankful for my family and few friends who have been here for me whether I had good news or just wanted to vent or cry. Finally I am thankful to myself, for being strong, for being a hard worker, and most of all, for being me. I am not perfect and have many things that are annoying and that I need to work on. But on the whole I am in a place in my life where I like myself. I am no longer looking to find myself or change in a drastic way. Instead I can look forward to finding my next dream and continuing to learn more and open my mind to new ideas. I am ready for the next chapter of my adventure to begin! Just like that.

Signed,

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